Tag: Sarcasm

If you think twitter is just a waste of time, think again. One could argue that twitter is first and foremost just noise and clutter—merely, one more time drain. Twitter can actually be good for something beyond revealing, in less than 140 characters, your whereabouts, posting unintelligent commentary, or which of your friends needs to get out more.

Consider @GSElevator, GS Elevator Gossip, a twitter account. Obscuring the thin line between the hysterically preposterous and extremely realistic, this twitter claims to dish the dirt on the happenings in the elevators at Goldman Sachs’s offices. “The first few were either conversations that I have overheard directly, or that have been told to me by colleagues,” he claims in this interview with NYT’s Deal Book column.

Here’s a sampling of some of the very best of GS Elevator Gossip’s tweets:

• The most and least successful people all share the same trait: thinking they’re never wrong.
• Don’t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
• #1: A lot of people who start their own business do it because they’re unemployable.
  #2: Yup. Look at Meredith Whitney.
• Most people don’t understand that God cast them as extras in this movie.
• You’ll never feel special if 100% of your friends are in the top 1%.
• Handshakes and tie knots. I don’t have time for someone who can’t master those basic skills.
• Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over.
• The difference between us and everybody else is that, even in a bad year, we still make the playoffs.
• Listening is part waiting for your turn to speak and part reminding yourself to change facial expressions every 10 seconds.
• Only idiots get bored when we’ve all got handheld devices containing infinite knowledge at our fingertips.
• Before people are allowed to opine about Syria, they should have to locate it on a map.
• Too many people are smart enough to be angry, but not smart enough to be successful.
• Let’s be honest. There’s no way your guess is as good as mine.
• Don’t apologize for being late with a Starbucks latte in your hand.
• Most celebrities barely have high school diplomas so who gives a shit what they think on substantive issues.
• And sometimes, people who don’t say much, don’t say much for a reason.
• It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
• 98% of people making comments about Nelson Mandela on social media would fail a history quiz on Nelson Mandela.
• I never said I was better than anyone, just more successful.
• When I hear, “Got a minute?” I know I’m about to lose a half hour of my life that I can never get back.
• I never give money to homeless people. I can’t reward failure in good conscience.
• I don’t even remember how I managed to ignore my wife at dinner before the Blackberry era.
• Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• In life, as in sports, the boos always come from the cheap seats.
• It’s not the lie that bothers me. It’s the insult to my intelligence that I find offensive.
• Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
• Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
• Being spotted in economy class must be like having your parents visit you at boarding school in a shitty rental car.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
• For people who believe everything happens for a reason, that reason is that they’re idiots who make shitty decisions.
• Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
• You shouldn’t retire until your money starts making more money than you made in your best year.
• Money might not buy happiness, but I’ll take my chances!
• I start every cell conversation with “my phone’s about to die” so they don’t waste my time.
• I doubt alcohol kills more people than it creates.
• There are only 2 paths to happiness in life. Stupidity or exceptional wealth.
• If life’s a game, money is how you keep score.
• Clearly the NSA doesn’t monitor Facebook. That’s where all the experts are solving this Government standoff.
• Black Friday is the Special Olympics of Capitalism.
• People who always fly business class don’t post photos of themselves flying business class.
• Skirt #1: I can always tell a banker within the first 2 minutes of meeting him in a bar… because he tells me.
• Feminists are just ugly underachievers who need an excuse for their failures.
• It’s too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
• Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing.
• If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
• There are no feminists when the ship hits an iceberg.
• You can never awaken a man who Is pretending to be asleep.
• Bribery, corruption… It’s the cost of doing business in emerging markets. As Mao said, “no fish can live in pure water.”
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• I don’t care if any one comes to my funeral. It’s not like I’ll be there.
• Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
• If you abstain from smoking, drinking, and using drugs, you don’t actually live longer. It just seems longer.
• #1: “The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone.”
  #2: “Our maid does that.”
• If you brag about starting at the bottom and making it to the top, you are probably still closer to the bottom.
• The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.
• The difference between petting and hitting a dog is it’s tolerance for pain. Same goes for 1st year analysts.
• The Cheesecake Factory looks like a restaurant poor people think rich people might eat at.
• I’d rather be me now, than have been the quarterback in high school.
• If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it tried to do better, but decided to just settle with you.
• Don’t confuse friends, work friends, and friends of convenience.
• Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.
• Getting an idea around is as important as getting an idea.
• If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
• The lottery is just a way of taxing poor people who don’t know math.
• In sensitivity training, they say we should avoid sports analogies bc they’re sexist… Which seems even more sexist.
• It’s sweet how my wife thinks the silent treatment is a punishment for me.
• Getting rich isn’t hard. Any hot girl with questionable morals can do it.
• Work hard. Eat right. Exercise. Don’t drink too much. And only buy what you can afford. It’s not rocket science.
• Guys who mime golf swings in the office never break 100 on the course.
• One of the biggest problems with todays society is that we’ve run out of colonies to send our undesirables to.
• I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.
• Truly intelligent people don’t feel compelled to talk about their IQ. In fact, I don’t even know what mine is.
• #1: “A year from now, he’ll be the guy that starts off every sentence with “When I was at Goldman Sachs …””
  #2: “I hate those people.”
• “Just be yourself” is good advice to probably 5% of people.
• Blacking out is just your brain clearing it’s browser history.
• If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
• Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
• Skirt #1: “It really hurts my feelings when an ugly guy hits on me.”
• When you tell a story, all I can think about is how much shorter it should be.
• Right now is the oldest you’ve ever been & the youngest you’ll ever be again.
• If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.
• Most people wouldn’t even be the main character in a movie about their own lives.
• My favorite part of dinner with my fiance is when she goes to the bathroom and I can check my Blackberry.
• I say “keep the change” purely for my own convenience.

Recommended Reading on the Farcical and Factual World of Work

• ‘The Dilbert Principle: A Cubicle’s-Eye View of Bosses, Meetings, Management Fads & Other Workplace Afflictions’ by Scott Adams
• ‘What Would Machiavelli Do? The Ends Justify the Meanness’ by Stanley Bing
• ‘How to Lie with Statistics’ by Darrell Huff
• ‘Crazy Bosses’ by Stanley Bing
• ’21 Dirty Tricks at Work: How to Beat the Game of Office Politics’ by Mike Phipps, Colin Gautrey
• ‘Throwing the Elephant: Zen and the Art of Managing Up’ by Stanley Bing